Customer Reviews for Revell His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Revell His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
It's no surprise; men and women have radically different priorities! In this updated edition of His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley offers new insights into the intimate emotional needs of husbands and wives to help you "affair-proof" your marriage. Learn how to sustain romance, love more creatively and sensitively, deepen your awareness of each other year after year, and overcome marital conflicts. Hardcover.
Average Customer Rating:
(12 Reviews) 12
Rating Snapshot (12 reviews)
5 stars
11
4 stars
1
3 stars
0
2 stars
0
1 star
0
12 out of 12100%customers would recommend this product to a friend.
Customer Reviews for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Review 1 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Date:April 18, 2013
bunny
Location:Russell Springs, KY
Age:55-65
Gender:female
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
This is a great book, every married couple should read it, and any one who is thinking about a relationship!
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0points
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Review 2 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Excellent for both Couples and Singles!
Date:November 15, 2012
Sean Golden
Location:Newark, OH
Age:18-24
Gender:male
I read this book for a part of my seminary class requirements. Although I'm single, this text was an absolute eye opener. I began the book as though it would not be fitting for being a single young man. However, on the contrary, it was fruitful; giving me a greater perspective on applications that can help prevent a marital affair and/or divorce. Moreover, it demonstrates how to show your significant other how much you truly care for them.
As an upcoming pastor, I plan on sharing some of these applications with those in both premarital and marital counseling. This book is a must have for all individuals who are wanting to strengthen their marriage, those whose marriage is rocky and needs adjustment, singles, pastors, seminary students, and anyone who wants to increase in their affection for their significant other.
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Review 3 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Useful!
Date:September 12, 2012
lharris
Location:Holly Springs, MS
Age:25-34
Gender:female
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
This book has lots of answers and insight to heading off a potential disaster before it starts.
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0points
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Review 4 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Get this book!!!
Date:September 3, 2012
Avid Reader
Location:PA
Age:45-54
Gender:male
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
This book will give you a new view of your marriage.
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0points
0of 0voted this as helpful.
Review 5 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
A very good book. A lot to think about.
Date:August 31, 2012
Mikey
Location:Albuquerque, NM
Age:Over 65
Gender:male
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
A very good book with much insight and information on developing and maintaining a quality love filled relationship. I will use the information when I choose a partner.
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Review 6 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Good information...
Date:May 3, 2012
Jodie Greven
Age:35-44
Gender:female
Quality:
4
out of
5
Value:
4
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
My husband and I are reading this together and we are getting a lot out of it. My only nitpick is that I feel that the author gives infidelity an excuse on the basis of filling needs. I don't think he would agree with my assessment but that's my feeling. We expect singles to be abstinate why not us. The author is trying to make the point that if you do not pay attention to your spouses deep needs you leave them vulnerable to an affair. The point is well made, but a better reason to read this book is that it can help make your marriage more fulfulling. My husband doesn't like that some of the assessment tools or lists are not in this book. We have to get them elsewhere.
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Review 7 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Excellent book, great for couples to learn more
Date:April 23, 2012
Candace
Age:35-44
Gender:female
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
This is a great resource for couples to learn more about the different needs of men and women, and how to grow in their relationship.
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Review 8 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Wonderfully insightful and practical
Date:April 6, 2012
Michael Rouleau
Location:Virginia
Age:45-54
Gender:male
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
4
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
Book Summary
This book His Needs, Her Needs is a book about as the subtitle states building an affair proof marriage and is written by William F. Harley, Jr. The author posits the thesis that if each spouse invests the time to learn about each other, their basic emotional and physical needs and pursues after meeting them your “love bank” will never run dry and you and your spouse will enjoy marital bliss. He was involved in a marriage counseling practice at the start of his career with dismal results; everyone who came to see him for assistance ended in divorce despite his best efforts to the contrary. As he started to explore the reasons why this was so, he discovered that it was not only him but the entire branch of counseling that specializes in marital counseling was rated as one of two occupations which provided the worst return on their clients investments. Switching his approach he starting asking the couples who came to see him a very basic question, “What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?” Over time and many couples later, he classified their responses into ten emotional needs, 1) admiration, 2) affection, 3) conversation, 4) domestic support, 5) family commitment, 6) financial support, 7) honesty and openness, 8) physical attractiveness, 9) recreational companionship, and 10) sexual fulfillment. Throughout the remaining pages of the book he explores in depth the concepts above including a concept he calls the love bank. Harley spends considerable time explaining the concept of how our love bank is always open and also notes that it is not restricted to just the marital union but it works with all of our encounters, male and female alike. If the encounter leaves us feeling positive love credits get added into our love bank, whereas if it is a draining or unpleasant encounter debits are withdrawn and so on according to the intensity of the experience. He further points out that what may be the top five emotional needs for a man are normally the opposite for the woman and vice versa for the man. Exploring these in depth the couple can cement their relationship together but he points out that once you have the knowledge of his or her needs this alone does not meet those needs and actually you will become worst off because now since you know about them and are not seeking to fulfill them it would be perceived as uncaring and being totally insensitive to your spouse.
Harley goes on to draw out the differences between the affection the women needs like water to drink and the sex the man normally needs like air to breathe. It is noted the vicious cycle that couples become trapped in; the man signals his need for sexual satisfaction but is not showing her any affection so she shuts him down in his desire for sex. He further explains that affection for the woman is the communication of care which prepares the woman for her husband’s advances; skills a wise husband will learn to do well. Affection is the environment of marriage, while sex is an event. He fills the pages of this book with great stories illustrating the points under discussion using real life couples. An examination of many stories exposing the patterns that leads many a marriage partner into the arms of another seeking the fulfillment of unmet emotional needs, the oddity here that Harley points out is that many times the ‘other person’ is not “better” than their spouse but simply the one who became available to meet that specific need. But because of the love bank concept explained earlier in the book, the straying spouse now becomes enamored with their new partner and could potentially be in love with both of them, their spouse and their lover. He finishes off the book with the last two chapters providing practical advice on how to survive an affair outlining three fundamental steps and moving from being incompatible to irresistible to each other, with appendixes chocked full with assessment information taking an emotional needs survey.
Critique
Harley has discovered a very insightful method of getting at the heart of marriage, the mechanics of what makes it work. The thing I find interesting in Harley’s approach is that none of the advanced psychological knowledge normally associated with reasoned solutions to our modern day maladies solved this problem. A basic or even common sense approach of asking simple straight-forward questions about what makes them tick produced his categorized system of emotional needs. You can spiritualize or theorize marriage as much as you want but it is still human beings, Christian or secular, wired the way their Creator made them and when we ignore the manufacturer’s basic operation of how we are to function, we end up in trouble and out of harmony to both our Designer and our mates. Harley has used the empirical method in his research to come up with this breakdown of marriage mechanics and has logically accessed his findings breaking them down into ten categorical groups. Although his finding are representative they are not exhaustive, which is why the appendix material is so valuable in this book, especially the emotional needs assessment, which can allow for the uniqueness of each couple. He does a good job at the end of each chapter with what he calls questions for her/him and to consider together. This section helps to take this material out of the academic/clinical realm and asks us as individuals to become involved right where we live in the center of our needs, met or unfulfilled.
Another observation which actually makes the book much more usable to a larger audience is that even though he identifies himself as a Christian he only uses few scriptural references. This would seem to make it easier to accept for a secular audience and to the Christian world as well. One can find much biblical underpinnings in the truth presented about human needs albeit in a general sense with proverbs 23:7 forming a core thought, as a man thinks in his heart so is he. What we focus on we naturally tend to think about and we are naturally are preoccupied with the meeting of our needs. In the review of Harley’s ten basic emotional needs, the one on recreational companionship would not have made my list and I found it suspect of being a real basic emotional need. Yet I do not have all the research data that Dr. Harley has amassed, yet it just does not appear in my thinking to be a basic ‘gotta have, can’t live without’ type of need. The other category of physical attractiveness seemed too much on the vain side of things to be an actual basic human emotional need, yet in the sex saturated culture we live in today this is likely true for an increasing number of people, although it still appears to be superficially motivated with Proverbs 31:30 speaking against this one, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.”
A good point about this book is how the author does not treat this topic superficially or even just academically but allows his research results to inform his psychology. For the value of this book, “the proof is in the pudding.” Or said another way colloquially ‘the rubber meets the road,’ he does not allow this topic to remain theory but relates the many stories of countless couples proving the factual basis of his method with skin on it. He shows a number of couples where one or both have believed the cultural lies and were heading down the unenviable path to divorce and by a refocus on what actually matters in a marriage – the meeting of your partner’s basic human needs and with hard work applied to the meeting of these needs the marriage is saved and better than ever. A principle not directly said but overtly implied in numerous sections was the thought that when we focus on our spouse’s needs and their fulfillment ours get met along the way and then some; which echoes of biblical principle without being quoted chapter and verse.
Once Harley gets through the first and second things that he and she cannot live without the material shift slightly away from what I would consider to be emotional needs to matters more of a practical nature like financial security, domestic support and family commitment. Overall this is an outstanding book with a proven track record being utilized by hundreds of couples with positive results. The advice given is practical, easy to understand and able to be implemented without complications only honesty required.
This book His Needs, Her Needs is a book about as the subtitle states building an affair proof marriage and is written by William F. Harley, Jr. The author posits the thesis that if each spouse invests the time to learn about each other, their basic emotional and physical needs and pursues after meeting them your “love bank” will never run dry and you and your spouse will enjoy marital bliss. He was involved in a marriage counseling practice at the start of his career with dismal results; everyone who came to see him for assistance ended in divorce despite his best efforts to the contrary. As he started to explore the reasons why this was so, he discovered that it was not only him but the entire branch of counseling that specializes in marital counseling was rated as one of two occupations which provided the worst return on their clients investments. Switching his approach he starting asking the couples who came to see him a very basic question, “What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?” Over time and many couples later, he classified their responses into ten emotional needs, 1) admiration, 2) affection, 3) conversation, 4) domestic support, 5) family commitment, 6) financial support, 7) honesty and openness, 8) physical attractiveness, 9) recreational companionship, and 10) sexual fulfillment. Throughout the remaining pages of the book he explores in depth the concepts above including a concept he calls the love bank. Harley spends considerable time explaining the concept of how our love bank is always open and also notes that it is not restricted to just the marital union but it works with all of our encounters, male and female alike. If the encounter leaves us feeling positive love credits get added into our love bank, whereas if it is a draining or unpleasant encounter debits are withdrawn and so on according to the intensity of the experience. He further points out that what may be the top five emotional needs for a man are normally the opposite for the woman and vice versa for the man. Exploring these in depth the couple can cement their relationship together but he points out that once you have the knowledge of his or her needs this alone does not meet those needs and actually you will become worst off because now since you know about them and are not seeking to fulfill them it would be perceived as uncaring and being totally insensitive to your spouse.
Harley goes on to draw out the differences between the affection the women needs like water to drink and the sex the man normally needs like air to breathe. It is noted the vicious cycle that couples become trapped in; the man signals his need for sexual satisfaction but is not showing her any affection so she shuts him down in his desire for sex. He further explains that affection for the woman is the communication of care which prepares the woman for her husband’s advances; skills a wise husband will learn to do well. Affection is the environment of marriage, while sex is an event. He fills the pages of this book with great stories illustrating the points under discussion using real life couples. An examination of many stories exposing the patterns that leads many a marriage partner into the arms of another seeking the fulfillment of unmet emotional needs, the oddity here that Harley points out is that many times the ‘other person’ is not “better” than their spouse but simply the one who became available to meet that specific need. But because of the love bank concept explained earlier in the book, the straying spouse now becomes enamored with their new partner and could potentially be in love with both of them, their spouse and their lover. He finishes off the book with the last two chapters providing practical advice on how to survive an affair outlining three fundamental steps and moving from being incompatible to irresistible to each other, with appendixes chocked full with assessment information taking an emotional needs survey.
Critique
Harley has discovered a very insightful method of getting at the heart of marriage, the mechanics of what makes it work. The thing I find interesting in Harley’s approach is that none of the advanced psychological knowledge normally associated with reasoned solutions to our modern day maladies solved this problem. A basic or even common sense approach of asking simple straight-forward questions about what makes them tick produced his categorized system of emotional needs. You can spiritualize or theorize marriage as much as you want but it is still human beings, Christian or secular, wired the way their Creator made them and when we ignore the manufacturer’s basic operation of how we are to function, we end up in trouble and out of harmony to both our Designer and our mates. Harley has used the empirical method in his research to come up with this breakdown of marriage mechanics and has logically accessed his findings breaking them down into ten categorical groups. Although his finding are representative they are not exhaustive, which is why the appendix material is so valuable in this book, especially the emotional needs assessment, which can allow for the uniqueness of each couple. He does a good job at the end of each chapter with what he calls questions for her/him and to consider together. This section helps to take this material out of the academic/clinical realm and asks us as individuals to become involved right where we live in the center of our needs, met or unfulfilled.
Another observation which actually makes the book much more usable to a larger audience is that even though he identifies himself as a Christian he only uses few scriptural references. This would seem to make it easier to accept for a secular audience and to the Christian world as well. One can find much biblical underpinnings in the truth presented about human needs albeit in a general sense with proverbs 23:7 forming a core thought, as a man thinks in his heart so is he. What we focus on we naturally tend to think about and we are naturally are preoccupied with the meeting of our needs. In the review of Harley’s ten basic emotional needs, the one on recreational companionship would not have made my list and I found it suspect of being a real basic emotional need. Yet I do not have all the research data that Dr. Harley has amassed, yet it just does not appear in my thinking to be a basic ‘gotta have, can’t live without’ type of need. The other category of physical attractiveness seemed too much on the vain side of things to be an actual basic human emotional need, yet in the sex saturated culture we live in today this is likely true for an increasing number of people, although it still appears to be superficially motivated with Proverbs 31:30 speaking against this one, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.”
A good point about this book is how the author does not treat this topic superficially or even just academically but allows his research results to inform his psychology. For the value of this book, “the proof is in the pudding.” Or said another way colloquially ‘the rubber meets the road,’ he does not allow this topic to remain theory but relates the many stories of countless couples proving the factual basis of his method with skin on it. He shows a number of couples where one or both have believed the cultural lies and were heading down the unenviable path to divorce and by a refocus on what actually matters in a marriage – the meeting of your partner’s basic human needs and with hard work applied to the meeting of these needs the marriage is saved and better than ever. A principle not directly said but overtly implied in numerous sections was the thought that when we focus on our spouse’s needs and their fulfillment ours get met along the way and then some; which echoes of biblical principle without being quoted chapter and verse.
Once Harley gets through the first and second things that he and she cannot live without the material shift slightly away from what I would consider to be emotional needs to matters more of a practical nature like financial security, domestic support and family commitment. Overall this is an outstanding book with a proven track record being utilized by hundreds of couples with positive results. The advice given is practical, easy to understand and able to be implemented without complications only honesty required.
Share this review:
+2points
2of 2voted this as helpful.
Review 9 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
An indispensable book for any married couple!
Date:March 16, 2012
Joe S
Quality:
4
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
4
out of
5
I enjoyed reading this book. I would recommend each married couple to read it together.
Share this review:
0points
0of 0voted this as helpful.
Review 10 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Worthy read!
Date:August 12, 2011
princetonmama
Location:Ontario, Canada
Age:55-65
Gender:female
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
Every married or engaged couple should have this. Great advice for making this, your most important relationship (next to that with God) last. Aids in making your marriage the way God intended it to be.
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+1point
1of 1voted this as helpful.
Review 11 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Date:July 19, 2011
Randy
Location:OH.
Age:55-65
Gender:male
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
Very good book. Needs to be read by everyone who is planning on getting married. As well as those who already married.
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+1point
1of 1voted this as helpful.
Review 12 for His Needs, Her Needs--Revised and Expanded
Overall Rating:
Date:February 26, 2011
Hazel Iverson
Location:MN
Age:Over 65
Gender:female
Quality:
5
out of
5
Value:
5
out of
5
Meets Expectations:
5
out of
5
A wonderful book for anyone who is married or in a relationship. I have been married 46 years. I bought this book to give to my daughter who now is divorced. She should have had this book sooner. The advice is outstanding.
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1of 1voted this as helpful.